Hello, Old Friend

The black bag is back... Chocolate Shakeology! I've missed this old friend! After months of Tropical Strawberry, I was just ready to go back to a flavor that brings comfort and richness to my tastebuds. Anyone who knows this flavor knows it is full of decadent, bold chocolately deliciousness. I'm looking forward to sharing some of my old recipes and hopefully come up with some yummy new ones.

I was bummed to discover I was out of coconut as I really wanted to whip up an Almond Joy-inspired shake in my nifty Ninja. Instead, I settled on my Tangy Black Cherry Chocolate shake.

Tangy Black Cherry Chocolate

1 scoop of Beachbody's Chocolate Shakeology
1 T chia seed
1/2 container of Chobani Black Cherry Greek yogurt
1/2 cup Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Breeze
water and ice

Blend and sip. Or chug. Whatever works for you! Enjoy!

Bringing back this healthy friend really helps me refocus on eliminating those unhealthy habits I have gotten into. I'm excited to go "old school" with some HipHop Abs and throw down some Turbo Fire before derby practice. I also have the Roller Derby workout I need to get into. I'm loaning my classic pound-dropper, Turbo Jam, to a dear friend and hope it brings her the same weight loss ass-kicking joy it did me.

Bruised Egos and Bruised Butts

I'm a blunt kinda gal and will come right out with it... I failed at completing my 25/5 requirement on my laps assessment last week. (For my non-derby friends, that is 25 laps in 5 minutes). I did 25 laps in 5 minutes and 21 seconds.

I can think of so many reasons why I screwed this up: my confidence, nerves, complaining excessively by lap 15, not staying low, burning thighs, a throbbing right foot, sucky skates, and it could go on. Some of those could really be factors, but deep down I know it is because I just haven't worked enough on endurance and strength lately. And boy is that honesty an insult to injury.

I've pushed myself the past several days in many ways and am going to just keep going. I've loved just skating every day and feeling more powerful and skilled and will continue to do that from here on out, but I WANT to complete every little last bit of my assessments. To put that step behind me, get my derby name, be an actual member of the team I'm fortunate to practice with, and be rid of my freshmeat status would be a real confidence builder. It's like those elusive laps stand between me and belonging almost.

So this next week feels like a make or break time. I have to complete that 25/5, plus the other requirements, and then my paper test. I'm not too worried about anything else other than the laps. I know that if it doesn't happen this week that I have the next and the next and that I will never really be done as my learning of this sport will never be done. That doesn't change the pressure or the desire for it. 

I've been my own worst critic since the first day I slid onto the rink having only skated on quads once before maybe 24 years or so earlier. Sometimes I can see how far I've come and sometimes I bruise more than just a butt or a palm (my 2 favored locations, apparently). Sometimes I bruise my own ego, and roller derby is as emotional, for me, as it is physical. I'm not an overly-emotional or sensitive person, but a challenging practice can bring out a different side of me. I let something out, though I have yet to figure out what it really is. Fear? Self-doubt? Anger? Disappointment?

Today I rest my sore knee, pray for a way to get some new skates, and then go to tonight's practice. I may be trying my 25/5 again. With a group looking on, my nerves will be a mess, but there must be something in me waiting to get out that can help me push just a little more and shave off 21 seconds. I'm going to try to stay positive and just push. When that last lap comes, I need to look for the success in it, whether I'm under 5 minutes or not.

I've Been Doing Laps in My Head

Yes, you read that title correctly. I have been doing laps in my head, endless circles with flawless crossovers. I must admit that at 2 a.m. counting sheep would probably be more effective (because this has certainly not been), but with my roller derby assessments here, the desire of completing 25 laps in 5 minutes is great. I'm also scared that I can't get anywhere close! Yikes!

The pressure of wanting to pass and worrying that I cannot just really sucks. I'm hoping to sneak into the Roller Plex and have my daughter time my laps before my assessment so I go into it knowing my general ability. Nothing would be worse than me crying on the cold concrete rink in the fetal position...when I'm not even injured.

Onto another challenge I hope I'm ready to face... I've decided, after pouring myself into a school improvement mission based on hours and hours of my own research, to go a step further and begin grad school. I could, ideally, complete my master's degree in Ed Leadership in about 2 years. Honestly, the only thing scary about this is the thought of more student loans! (I could be counting those in an attempt to sleep. Suddenly counting laps doesn't seem so bad!)

On another note, I'm realizing that my summer is fading too quickly. I've spent too much time watching Glee and doing logic puzzles, both of which are addicting in their own weird ways. I've been generally lazy. Summers off may be ideal for relishing your ability to relax, but I'm feeling a bit of panic as I have been a little too lazy! Crap! I've got to start doing MORE with my days!

After just one more episode of Glee... Just one more...

Messy Minds Are Evil Things

I'm a mess. This is not news to most of you, but I thought I would throw it out there as a little tidbit for those of you who don't know. Anyhoo, this messy mind business I've gotten myself into warrants some serious attitude adjustments and changes.

I started with an easy change...my page layout. I'm aware that this doesn't really count as a change, but isn't it nice? In the mood for something lighter and less harsh. I'm not the workout Nazi I used to be. Obviously.

The messy mind business. *sigh* I've had a negative attitude about my work situation which led to stress which led to me reacting in a most frenzied and panicked way about a health issue which led to me almost giving up roller derby which has led me to feel guilt for letting derby sisters down and, ultimately, letting myself down. Breath! Now, all this cause/effect crap has been piling up and growing like bacteria on a shared table in a classroom. Teachers, you know how bad this is!

Time to do some serious mind (and body) cleansing.

1. The room of doom. I've renewed my teaching passion and decided that I am the only one I can control in my work situation. And this crying on the way to work, getting frustrated by 8:20, and then wolfing down a doughnut to "feel better" is not ok. So I've researched and bought numerous books on how to go from high poverty, low success to high poverty but high performance. I'm borderline obsessed now with the goals I'm setting and with the drive to change not just my room but the school. My principal will hate me this next year. Or maybe she will love me because I'm not willing to fall down and stay down. I'm blessed with a meaningful career. I can make something big happen only when I'm willing to make changes.

2. Roller derby. This has been ripping me up for weeks to the point where I just don't think of it so I don't have to deal with it. When I started that journey, I knew it was going to be physically challenging, and I feel that I was rising to the occasion and progressing. The emotional challenge was killer! Lately, the other pressures in my life (like school and health) have gotten me down, and I've been questioning if I fit into this sport. Am I fool to risk injuring myself? My doctors tell me so. Am I just being lazy and need to "remotivate" myself? (Yes, I made that word up. I can do that.) I made a commitment to some fabulous and tough gals who have been so supportive of me. I made a commitment to challenge myself and allow myself to come out of my shell in a new way. I'm screwing that up! My heart hasn't been in it, true. But I have to change that and find my fire again.

3. Food. Oh, lawd. Doesn't it always come back to that? I was looking through old pictures at my mom's this past weekend. Wow. I don't miss those size 18 shirts, those baggy dresses or the chins. Yep, more than one! I look better, and I feel better. But putting back on 10 pounds has not been a blessing. It sucks, quite frankly. My willpower has diminished although the need to change my eating habits and renew my excitement and passion for fitness is strong. Kind of feel like I'm suspended in midair on a teeter-totter. I must get off of this danged thing. Suspension is not balance!

I can't say that spilling this is therapeutic, but I have to own up to this internal drama. How ridiculous is it, really? I know I'm not the only one, and I'm sure those of us who have been there find just one way out: a change in attitude. That's my focus.

Bite Me, Thursday!

I have dear friend...Lose It! This little app is such a pal, helping me track the good, bad and ugly. Yesterday was mix of all 3 of these nasty little adjectives. I'll share with you the details. Unfortunately, I can't do a screen shot with my Droid, so you really have to visualize here. And...why does it feel like I'm standing in the middle of a room full of strangers in a swimsuit? Hmmm...

Thursday June 7, 2012 Calorie Budget of 1,551

1,416 (consumed)-147 (burned)= 1,269

Breakfast: 

morning sugar free cappucino with half and half (bad)

quaker oats with cinnamon (good)

Snack: 

Greek yogurt (good)

Lunch: 

1 organic cheese enchilada (good)

handful of baby tomatoes (good)

Snack:

spinach/pineapple smoothie with almond milk and chia seed (good)

Dinner:

2 corn tortillas (bad?)

grilled chicken (good)

bell pepper and onions (good)

cilantro lime light sour cream (not sure)

Snack:

1.5 T natural peanut butter (can be both good and bad)

And...the ugly. Half of a red velvet cupcake. BUT I did just eat half! And boy, did I take my time! I call it "making loving" to my food lol. Kind of a silly joke around the house. When it comes to desserts, which I LOVE, I eat them slowly, savoring each sweet bite. My husband...he does something else with his. Let's just say he can eat a whole cupcake in a minute. ;)

My goals yesterday were to eat smaller portions and spread them out over the day so that I have 3 small snacks and 3 "regular meals." I tried to balance it, but there is a lot of improvement. Below is a picture of the breakdown of nutrition. I record food-related things on a white board that hangs on the pantry door. 

In the top pic, you can see what my basic goals were. The grams are off a bit. I'm trying to really figure out what the balance really is. In the bottom pic, I've documented my breakdown. Blue indicates that I was in the range I was aiming for. I put it in red if it was not where I wanted it to be. Obviously, I need less fat and more protein. That's my goal today!

Scary Changes to Fresh Changes

The last time I really saw myself as a truly, all-out unhealthy person was back when my drawers were full of size 18 matronly, dowdy garb, my pantry was full of Little Debbie, and my idea of working out was 5 minutes of sweating through a dvd warm-up and then sitting on a stability ball the other 40! Not a pretty picture.

I saw myself that way again. And not in the mirror. It was reflected in my blood work report from the lab last week. I saw everything from macrocytic anemia to a toxic liver to high cholesterol (and not the good kind). I was convinced that it was a mix-up. Then I knew that was unlikely, and I cried. Finally, I really looked at my diet the past half a year. Back in January, I made a drastic change: I went on the Belly Fat Cure.

Now, I'm not about to talk smack about BFC or Jorge Cruise. I loved the plan. The science behind it made sense to me, and I was tired of counting points ala Weight Watchers and figuring up calories and fat grams. BFC sang to me because it was different! I jumped on it and didn't look back. Until now.

My current issues may be totally unrelated, but having gone from years of healthier, lower fat eating to low card, low sugar eating with higher fats and then seeing, for the first time ever, these issues just tells me that the common sense, balanced, "clean" eating is the best. I didn't want to think about common sense. I wanted a quick fix to drop 10 pounds when I started BFC. 

I'm going to continue to watch my sugars and add back in complex carbohydrates while focusing on whole foods, natural foods and cleaner, less processed foods. I realized as I looked through clean eating recipes how much my body has been craving fruits and other pure foods, which I had pretty much abandoned. I just haven't been listening. It has my attention now!

So I traded my Belly Fat Cure books for a Clean Eating cookbook. I've thrown my meal plan for the remainder of the week in the trash and am starting over. I'm not sure what I am going to do with the 2 cartons of eggs, the heavy whipping cream, the bacon, ect. Trash, I guess. Better there than wasting away another day in my body. 

I urge everyone to be really careful when making eating choices. I felt good! I felt healthy! I work out almost daily. I journal everything I eat. It looked like I was doing "the right thing." I'm 35 with high cholesterol?! It could happen to anyone. 

The good news is that I can change it. And that fresh change starts today.

Smart Phone Addict?

I love my smart phone. I'm probably an addict. I will admit this, but forget about any 12 step programs because I'm not giving up my precious Android!! And now I've discovered a Blogger app?! Yes!
I know I'm not the only 'phone practically up the ass' person out there. In fact, how many of you are reading this on your phone now? :) Yeah, that's what I thought.
I just want to share a few of my most-used and favorite apps:
LoseIt! I use this to track what I eat, mostly for sugars and carbs. I love the weight loss graph it creates too. Plus I can create and store recipes. Nifty.
AllRecipes. I never use the 'dinner spinner,' but I love that I can enter search requirements and come up with rated recipes tailored to what I have in the pantry and fitting our nutritional needs.
DietPoint. I started this for meal plans, but now I enjoy the forum more than anything. I can ask questions and get answers, share recipes and even help others. It adds the community aspect back into getting healthy without attending meetings.
Horoscope. Yeah, I read them. I also call them Horriblescopes because they are such a joke. But who doesn't need a laugh first thing in the morning. Today I'm meeting an alluring person who may be a bad influence. Really? Because my car is broken down, and I'm hanging out in the house with 2 kids and a cat all day.
Facebook. Yes, I saved the best for last. I'm such a sucker for my groups. Low carb, roller derby, teaching, Christian, ect. And how can I resist being such a spy on my friends' lives? ( Now I don't go out there seeking...they post it for me to read! Not creepy!)
What are YOUR favorites and why? I still have room on my phone for more, after all!

ULTA...You Kill Me!

I'm a sucker for ULTA. I must be, deep down, a girly-girl, although I have vehemently denied it for as long as I can remember. There comes a point when a chic can't deny it any longer... Such as when she is standing in line at ULTA, happily holding her Level 6 rewards coupon. Yes. Level 6. Oh, you want to know how much I spent to get to Level 6? Um. Let's not. My husband might read this. Shhhhhh.

I am now the proud owner of some new Xen-Tan lotion that normally sells for $45 (but I got it free, yippee)! I'm also working my way up the levels as I am not getting a little more adventurous with my makeup choices. I remember being about 12 and picking through Teen Magazine, admiring Debbie Gibson and her blues, greens, yellows and hot pinks. (What was that makeup? Bonne Bell? Dang, wish I could remember.) Anyhoo, I wanted to look like her, be her... But I was never braver than brown.I love brown and all, but why have been afraid of being a tad bit bolder, demanding a little more attention? So, now I'm going to play a little!

I bought my first ever gel eye liner, Maybelline Eye Studio. That's featured in the pic. Not bad for the first time, I think. Then I saw that lovely green Forest Fury Color Explosion eye shadow that reacts to light. Ahhh. I love green. Happy, happy! I'll try that out for you and take a pic in the next few days. I plan to go green for the WF Derby Dame's first bout on Saturday. How can I not go crazy with color and fake eyelashes?! Yeah, I bought some Katy Perry Cool Kitty fake lashes too. :) Putting them on shall be amusing to anyone who gets the privilege of seeing me fumble and mutter curse words while repeatedly poking myself in the eye. Call it a premonition...I know me!

As I continue to experiment, I'll do occasional reviews and updates. I love reviews, and I've found my Amazon App as a my best shopping buddy as I repeatedly scan items just to read reviews before purchasing. Other shoppers call it annoying. I call it savvy. :)

p.s. I just gotta say that the new Blogger changes suck. I'm all about routine and knowing what is coming. I did not see this coming. Boo.

Going Splat Only Sounds Cool

Last night was a night of firsts. Some of them I can't wait to repeat (like participating more in mock bouts and learning the game). Some of them I hope I never, ever repeat (such as going splat onto the rink floor that lead to my first concussion which lead to my first CT scan). I knew the night held interesting events for me when I had that rare but crazy mix of emotions that only comes once in a blue moon: fear, excitement, curiosity, doubt, and a touch of panic. Maybe more than a touch...

Anyhoo, I got to actually participate in a jam. To ME, it was participation, as much as I could given my limited abilities. To my teammates, it was probably more like them doing the work while I muttered "sorry" and "what do I do!?" repeatedly. :) I had fun, learned quite a bit, and definitely look forward to the day when I can hold my own.

But...there was this one little thing sucked. I don't really know what happened other than one minute I was skating in my shaky "what the fuck am I doing" state, and the next...BAM!After a sleepless night of nausea and a throbbing headache, I went to the doc who confirmed I had a concussion. I was unable to convince her that I was fine, and I found myself at United Regional for my first CT scan. I haven't heard back so no news is surely good news.

Tomorrow I look forward to less pain (fingers crossed), breakfast with my son, and then pulling my kids out of school early to enjoy a Friday with them before heading to see my parents. We haven't seen them since November and still have our Christmas to enjoy! Yeah, presents in April! Dad wants to go "dancin" in McLean too. Not sure I want to boot-scoot, but I've got my new, purty cowgirl boots ready to show off! Yee-haw! Hope ya'll have a great weekend too!

Little Embers...and Roller Skates

Little embers are all that are left. My fire has waned with the challenges and frustrations of a particularly cruel school year. With only 2 months left til that delicious season known as summer, I feel a spark glowing deep inside. I'm not dead, just worn out...a lot. :)

My sanity has been hanging by a shoestring lately...more specifically, a roller skate lace! I've found the past 6 weeks a time of excitement and self-exploration as I have ventured into the rink of roller derby. Yes, roller derby. I'm sure you are picturing fierce, sassy chics bashing into each other, all spills and thrills wrapped in fishnets with a side of rink rash. Yeah, kinda. 

Today's roller derby is different, less rink wrestling for show and more skill and structure. Or so I've been told. I'm merely "fresh meat" as it were, a newbie to both skates and the fascinating world of Flat Track Roller Derby. I've spent the last month and half dreaming of joining the camaraderie, being a member of a team with a bad-ass name, of rolling into a bout with a confidence that could only belong to my alter ego. 

More than dreaming though, I've struggled with weakness, clumsiness, and the tug-of-war between a fear of pushing myself and a fear of what might happen if I do. Yeah, nothing bad-ass about that. I keep working though, but I know I need to step it up even more. I see where athleticism and intelligence cross when I watch my new friends hit the rink, and it is one hell of an impressive sight. They work hard, and it shows. I need to step my game up if I want to join theirs. 

This week is about pushing away the bitterness and frustration that dampens my spirit at work while pushing myself on the rink in a way keeps my spirit and excitement of becoming a skilled rollergirl burning! :)