I can think of so many reasons why I screwed this up: my confidence, nerves, complaining excessively by lap 15, not staying low, burning thighs, a throbbing right foot, sucky skates, and it could go on. Some of those could really be factors, but deep down I know it is because I just haven't worked enough on endurance and strength lately. And boy is that honesty an insult to injury.
I've pushed myself the past several days in many ways and am going to just keep going. I've loved just skating every day and feeling more powerful and skilled and will continue to do that from here on out, but I WANT to complete every little last bit of my assessments. To put that step behind me, get my derby name, be an actual member of the team I'm fortunate to practice with, and be rid of my freshmeat status would be a real confidence builder. It's like those elusive laps stand between me and belonging almost.
So this next week feels like a make or break time. I have to complete that 25/5, plus the other requirements, and then my paper test. I'm not too worried about anything else other than the laps. I know that if it doesn't happen this week that I have the next and the next and that I will never really be done as my learning of this sport will never be done. That doesn't change the pressure or the desire for it.
I've been my own worst critic since the first day I slid onto the rink having only skated on quads once before maybe 24 years or so earlier. Sometimes I can see how far I've come and sometimes I bruise more than just a butt or a palm (my 2 favored locations, apparently). Sometimes I bruise my own ego, and roller derby is as emotional, for me, as it is physical. I'm not an overly-emotional or sensitive person, but a challenging practice can bring out a different side of me. I let something out, though I have yet to figure out what it really is. Fear? Self-doubt? Anger? Disappointment?
Today I rest my sore knee, pray for a way to get some new skates, and then go to tonight's practice. I may be trying my 25/5 again. With a group looking on, my nerves will be a mess, but there must be something in me waiting to get out that can help me push just a little more and shave off 21 seconds. I'm going to try to stay positive and just push. When that last lap comes, I need to look for the success in it, whether I'm under 5 minutes or not.
