Bruised Egos and Bruised Butts

I'm a blunt kinda gal and will come right out with it... I failed at completing my 25/5 requirement on my laps assessment last week. (For my non-derby friends, that is 25 laps in 5 minutes). I did 25 laps in 5 minutes and 21 seconds.

I can think of so many reasons why I screwed this up: my confidence, nerves, complaining excessively by lap 15, not staying low, burning thighs, a throbbing right foot, sucky skates, and it could go on. Some of those could really be factors, but deep down I know it is because I just haven't worked enough on endurance and strength lately. And boy is that honesty an insult to injury.

I've pushed myself the past several days in many ways and am going to just keep going. I've loved just skating every day and feeling more powerful and skilled and will continue to do that from here on out, but I WANT to complete every little last bit of my assessments. To put that step behind me, get my derby name, be an actual member of the team I'm fortunate to practice with, and be rid of my freshmeat status would be a real confidence builder. It's like those elusive laps stand between me and belonging almost.

So this next week feels like a make or break time. I have to complete that 25/5, plus the other requirements, and then my paper test. I'm not too worried about anything else other than the laps. I know that if it doesn't happen this week that I have the next and the next and that I will never really be done as my learning of this sport will never be done. That doesn't change the pressure or the desire for it. 

I've been my own worst critic since the first day I slid onto the rink having only skated on quads once before maybe 24 years or so earlier. Sometimes I can see how far I've come and sometimes I bruise more than just a butt or a palm (my 2 favored locations, apparently). Sometimes I bruise my own ego, and roller derby is as emotional, for me, as it is physical. I'm not an overly-emotional or sensitive person, but a challenging practice can bring out a different side of me. I let something out, though I have yet to figure out what it really is. Fear? Self-doubt? Anger? Disappointment?

Today I rest my sore knee, pray for a way to get some new skates, and then go to tonight's practice. I may be trying my 25/5 again. With a group looking on, my nerves will be a mess, but there must be something in me waiting to get out that can help me push just a little more and shave off 21 seconds. I'm going to try to stay positive and just push. When that last lap comes, I need to look for the success in it, whether I'm under 5 minutes or not.

I've Been Doing Laps in My Head

Yes, you read that title correctly. I have been doing laps in my head, endless circles with flawless crossovers. I must admit that at 2 a.m. counting sheep would probably be more effective (because this has certainly not been), but with my roller derby assessments here, the desire of completing 25 laps in 5 minutes is great. I'm also scared that I can't get anywhere close! Yikes!

The pressure of wanting to pass and worrying that I cannot just really sucks. I'm hoping to sneak into the Roller Plex and have my daughter time my laps before my assessment so I go into it knowing my general ability. Nothing would be worse than me crying on the cold concrete rink in the fetal position...when I'm not even injured.

Onto another challenge I hope I'm ready to face... I've decided, after pouring myself into a school improvement mission based on hours and hours of my own research, to go a step further and begin grad school. I could, ideally, complete my master's degree in Ed Leadership in about 2 years. Honestly, the only thing scary about this is the thought of more student loans! (I could be counting those in an attempt to sleep. Suddenly counting laps doesn't seem so bad!)

On another note, I'm realizing that my summer is fading too quickly. I've spent too much time watching Glee and doing logic puzzles, both of which are addicting in their own weird ways. I've been generally lazy. Summers off may be ideal for relishing your ability to relax, but I'm feeling a bit of panic as I have been a little too lazy! Crap! I've got to start doing MORE with my days!

After just one more episode of Glee... Just one more...

Messy Minds Are Evil Things

I'm a mess. This is not news to most of you, but I thought I would throw it out there as a little tidbit for those of you who don't know. Anyhoo, this messy mind business I've gotten myself into warrants some serious attitude adjustments and changes.

I started with an easy change...my page layout. I'm aware that this doesn't really count as a change, but isn't it nice? In the mood for something lighter and less harsh. I'm not the workout Nazi I used to be. Obviously.

The messy mind business. *sigh* I've had a negative attitude about my work situation which led to stress which led to me reacting in a most frenzied and panicked way about a health issue which led to me almost giving up roller derby which has led me to feel guilt for letting derby sisters down and, ultimately, letting myself down. Breath! Now, all this cause/effect crap has been piling up and growing like bacteria on a shared table in a classroom. Teachers, you know how bad this is!

Time to do some serious mind (and body) cleansing.

1. The room of doom. I've renewed my teaching passion and decided that I am the only one I can control in my work situation. And this crying on the way to work, getting frustrated by 8:20, and then wolfing down a doughnut to "feel better" is not ok. So I've researched and bought numerous books on how to go from high poverty, low success to high poverty but high performance. I'm borderline obsessed now with the goals I'm setting and with the drive to change not just my room but the school. My principal will hate me this next year. Or maybe she will love me because I'm not willing to fall down and stay down. I'm blessed with a meaningful career. I can make something big happen only when I'm willing to make changes.

2. Roller derby. This has been ripping me up for weeks to the point where I just don't think of it so I don't have to deal with it. When I started that journey, I knew it was going to be physically challenging, and I feel that I was rising to the occasion and progressing. The emotional challenge was killer! Lately, the other pressures in my life (like school and health) have gotten me down, and I've been questioning if I fit into this sport. Am I fool to risk injuring myself? My doctors tell me so. Am I just being lazy and need to "remotivate" myself? (Yes, I made that word up. I can do that.) I made a commitment to some fabulous and tough gals who have been so supportive of me. I made a commitment to challenge myself and allow myself to come out of my shell in a new way. I'm screwing that up! My heart hasn't been in it, true. But I have to change that and find my fire again.

3. Food. Oh, lawd. Doesn't it always come back to that? I was looking through old pictures at my mom's this past weekend. Wow. I don't miss those size 18 shirts, those baggy dresses or the chins. Yep, more than one! I look better, and I feel better. But putting back on 10 pounds has not been a blessing. It sucks, quite frankly. My willpower has diminished although the need to change my eating habits and renew my excitement and passion for fitness is strong. Kind of feel like I'm suspended in midair on a teeter-totter. I must get off of this danged thing. Suspension is not balance!

I can't say that spilling this is therapeutic, but I have to own up to this internal drama. How ridiculous is it, really? I know I'm not the only one, and I'm sure those of us who have been there find just one way out: a change in attitude. That's my focus.