I started with an easy change...my page layout. I'm aware that this doesn't really count as a change, but isn't it nice? In the mood for something lighter and less harsh. I'm not the workout Nazi I used to be. Obviously.
The messy mind business. *sigh* I've had a negative attitude about my work situation which led to stress which led to me reacting in a most frenzied and panicked way about a health issue which led to me almost giving up roller derby which has led me to feel guilt for letting derby sisters down and, ultimately, letting myself down. Breath! Now, all this cause/effect crap has been piling up and growing like bacteria on a shared table in a classroom. Teachers, you know how bad this is!
Time to do some serious mind (and body) cleansing.
1. The room of doom. I've renewed my teaching passion and decided that I am the only one I can control in my work situation. And this crying on the way to work, getting frustrated by 8:20, and then wolfing down a doughnut to "feel better" is not ok. So I've researched and bought numerous books on how to go from high poverty, low success to high poverty but high performance. I'm borderline obsessed now with the goals I'm setting and with the drive to change not just my room but the school. My principal will hate me this next year. Or maybe she will love me because I'm not willing to fall down and stay down. I'm blessed with a meaningful career. I can make something big happen only when I'm willing to make changes.
2. Roller derby. This has been ripping me up for weeks to the point where I just don't think of it so I don't have to deal with it. When I started that journey, I knew it was going to be physically challenging, and I feel that I was rising to the occasion and progressing. The emotional challenge was killer! Lately, the other pressures in my life (like school and health) have gotten me down, and I've been questioning if I fit into this sport. Am I fool to risk injuring myself? My doctors tell me so. Am I just being lazy and need to "remotivate" myself? (Yes, I made that word up. I can do that.) I made a commitment to some fabulous and tough gals who have been so supportive of me. I made a commitment to challenge myself and allow myself to come out of my shell in a new way. I'm screwing that up! My heart hasn't been in it, true. But I have to change that and find my fire again.
3. Food. Oh, lawd. Doesn't it always come back to that? I was looking through old pictures at my mom's this past weekend. Wow. I don't miss those size 18 shirts, those baggy dresses or the chins. Yep, more than one! I look better, and I feel better. But putting back on 10 pounds has not been a blessing. It sucks, quite frankly. My willpower has diminished although the need to change my eating habits and renew my excitement and passion for fitness is strong. Kind of feel like I'm suspended in midair on a teeter-totter. I must get off of this danged thing. Suspension is not balance!
I can't say that spilling this is therapeutic, but I have to own up to this internal drama. How ridiculous is it, really? I know I'm not the only one, and I'm sure those of us who have been there find just one way out: a change in attitude. That's my focus.
