Messy Minds Are Evil Things

I'm a mess. This is not news to most of you, but I thought I would throw it out there as a little tidbit for those of you who don't know. Anyhoo, this messy mind business I've gotten myself into warrants some serious attitude adjustments and changes.

I started with an easy change...my page layout. I'm aware that this doesn't really count as a change, but isn't it nice? In the mood for something lighter and less harsh. I'm not the workout Nazi I used to be. Obviously.

The messy mind business. *sigh* I've had a negative attitude about my work situation which led to stress which led to me reacting in a most frenzied and panicked way about a health issue which led to me almost giving up roller derby which has led me to feel guilt for letting derby sisters down and, ultimately, letting myself down. Breath! Now, all this cause/effect crap has been piling up and growing like bacteria on a shared table in a classroom. Teachers, you know how bad this is!

Time to do some serious mind (and body) cleansing.

1. The room of doom. I've renewed my teaching passion and decided that I am the only one I can control in my work situation. And this crying on the way to work, getting frustrated by 8:20, and then wolfing down a doughnut to "feel better" is not ok. So I've researched and bought numerous books on how to go from high poverty, low success to high poverty but high performance. I'm borderline obsessed now with the goals I'm setting and with the drive to change not just my room but the school. My principal will hate me this next year. Or maybe she will love me because I'm not willing to fall down and stay down. I'm blessed with a meaningful career. I can make something big happen only when I'm willing to make changes.

2. Roller derby. This has been ripping me up for weeks to the point where I just don't think of it so I don't have to deal with it. When I started that journey, I knew it was going to be physically challenging, and I feel that I was rising to the occasion and progressing. The emotional challenge was killer! Lately, the other pressures in my life (like school and health) have gotten me down, and I've been questioning if I fit into this sport. Am I fool to risk injuring myself? My doctors tell me so. Am I just being lazy and need to "remotivate" myself? (Yes, I made that word up. I can do that.) I made a commitment to some fabulous and tough gals who have been so supportive of me. I made a commitment to challenge myself and allow myself to come out of my shell in a new way. I'm screwing that up! My heart hasn't been in it, true. But I have to change that and find my fire again.

3. Food. Oh, lawd. Doesn't it always come back to that? I was looking through old pictures at my mom's this past weekend. Wow. I don't miss those size 18 shirts, those baggy dresses or the chins. Yep, more than one! I look better, and I feel better. But putting back on 10 pounds has not been a blessing. It sucks, quite frankly. My willpower has diminished although the need to change my eating habits and renew my excitement and passion for fitness is strong. Kind of feel like I'm suspended in midair on a teeter-totter. I must get off of this danged thing. Suspension is not balance!

I can't say that spilling this is therapeutic, but I have to own up to this internal drama. How ridiculous is it, really? I know I'm not the only one, and I'm sure those of us who have been there find just one way out: a change in attitude. That's my focus.

Bite Me, Thursday!

I have dear friend...Lose It! This little app is such a pal, helping me track the good, bad and ugly. Yesterday was mix of all 3 of these nasty little adjectives. I'll share with you the details. Unfortunately, I can't do a screen shot with my Droid, so you really have to visualize here. And...why does it feel like I'm standing in the middle of a room full of strangers in a swimsuit? Hmmm...

Thursday June 7, 2012 Calorie Budget of 1,551

1,416 (consumed)-147 (burned)= 1,269

Breakfast: 

morning sugar free cappucino with half and half (bad)

quaker oats with cinnamon (good)

Snack: 

Greek yogurt (good)

Lunch: 

1 organic cheese enchilada (good)

handful of baby tomatoes (good)

Snack:

spinach/pineapple smoothie with almond milk and chia seed (good)

Dinner:

2 corn tortillas (bad?)

grilled chicken (good)

bell pepper and onions (good)

cilantro lime light sour cream (not sure)

Snack:

1.5 T natural peanut butter (can be both good and bad)

And...the ugly. Half of a red velvet cupcake. BUT I did just eat half! And boy, did I take my time! I call it "making loving" to my food lol. Kind of a silly joke around the house. When it comes to desserts, which I LOVE, I eat them slowly, savoring each sweet bite. My husband...he does something else with his. Let's just say he can eat a whole cupcake in a minute. ;)

My goals yesterday were to eat smaller portions and spread them out over the day so that I have 3 small snacks and 3 "regular meals." I tried to balance it, but there is a lot of improvement. Below is a picture of the breakdown of nutrition. I record food-related things on a white board that hangs on the pantry door. 

In the top pic, you can see what my basic goals were. The grams are off a bit. I'm trying to really figure out what the balance really is. In the bottom pic, I've documented my breakdown. Blue indicates that I was in the range I was aiming for. I put it in red if it was not where I wanted it to be. Obviously, I need less fat and more protein. That's my goal today!

Scary Changes to Fresh Changes

The last time I really saw myself as a truly, all-out unhealthy person was back when my drawers were full of size 18 matronly, dowdy garb, my pantry was full of Little Debbie, and my idea of working out was 5 minutes of sweating through a dvd warm-up and then sitting on a stability ball the other 40! Not a pretty picture.

I saw myself that way again. And not in the mirror. It was reflected in my blood work report from the lab last week. I saw everything from macrocytic anemia to a toxic liver to high cholesterol (and not the good kind). I was convinced that it was a mix-up. Then I knew that was unlikely, and I cried. Finally, I really looked at my diet the past half a year. Back in January, I made a drastic change: I went on the Belly Fat Cure.

Now, I'm not about to talk smack about BFC or Jorge Cruise. I loved the plan. The science behind it made sense to me, and I was tired of counting points ala Weight Watchers and figuring up calories and fat grams. BFC sang to me because it was different! I jumped on it and didn't look back. Until now.

My current issues may be totally unrelated, but having gone from years of healthier, lower fat eating to low card, low sugar eating with higher fats and then seeing, for the first time ever, these issues just tells me that the common sense, balanced, "clean" eating is the best. I didn't want to think about common sense. I wanted a quick fix to drop 10 pounds when I started BFC. 

I'm going to continue to watch my sugars and add back in complex carbohydrates while focusing on whole foods, natural foods and cleaner, less processed foods. I realized as I looked through clean eating recipes how much my body has been craving fruits and other pure foods, which I had pretty much abandoned. I just haven't been listening. It has my attention now!

So I traded my Belly Fat Cure books for a Clean Eating cookbook. I've thrown my meal plan for the remainder of the week in the trash and am starting over. I'm not sure what I am going to do with the 2 cartons of eggs, the heavy whipping cream, the bacon, ect. Trash, I guess. Better there than wasting away another day in my body. 

I urge everyone to be really careful when making eating choices. I felt good! I felt healthy! I work out almost daily. I journal everything I eat. It looked like I was doing "the right thing." I'm 35 with high cholesterol?! It could happen to anyone. 

The good news is that I can change it. And that fresh change starts today.